Tag: #humor

Conversations with Drunk Teenagers at Bar Night

Bar Night (definition): once a week, dehydrated and exhausted, but usually freshly showered wildlife volunteers descend like an avalanche upon a bar in Hua Hin, Thailand (an hour away in a taxi ride that I am sure causes many a taxi driver to question their career decision). From 7:30-10:30p, they take in as many “2 for 1” cocktail specials as possible. 

Prominent activities include: talking about how drunk they are, how much they are in-love with everyone here, taking Snapchat photos, dancing and, much to the staff’s chagrin – hanging like a monkey from the plastic exposed beams and/or curtain rods. 

Being one who values a full stomach, I arrived after dinner. I walked in and beheld a scene that made me feel like Jane Goodall watching chimps. It was awkward, mostly unsuccessful debauchery – the likes that belonged not to Roman Toga Party, but to a Roman Thursday Night. I could only sip my two “two for one” mojitos, and sit in the back, my already greying hair turning more silver the more I thought about being the Jane Goodall of “younger people habits.”

Minutes later a 19 year old man saddled up to me and offered his sage advice:

“You should take it slow, I know a thing or two about drinking”

“Don’t worry, I will, I have been drinking for a while”

“Yes, but I’ve been drinking longer than you (winks at me) – I’ve been drinking since I was 12″

I’m 36.”

Math. Shock, horror, pause. Laughter (on my end). 

Apparently those Jane Goodall silvers had retreated enough to blend in with my subjects. 

A Word on Beds in Cheap Asian HotelsĀ 

Ow. 
More words on most beds in cheap asian hotels:

Sleeping in the bed feels like you paid for a cheap massage and didn’t read the fine print that says “conducted by novice three legged cow”

My head is currently on something that can best be described as “sandbag”

*This is definitely not meant to represent all hotels or all beds, this came after a frustrating night of tossing and turning whilst having a cold -so apologies if I sound like “The Princess and the Pea”

The pain

Travel Tips: Toilet Time in Malaysia

In Malaysia you always need to remember to carry two things:

1. Drinking Water

2. Toilet paper: for use when the water runs out

Now, regarding #2, you might think “why?” or, if you’re used to travelling in this part of the world, you might think “duh, that’s so obvs” – however the point that needs to be made is not that Malaysia doesn’t have toilet paper (they have plenty of it), but rather, that the toilet paper is stored on the outside of the stall. 

Much debate has ensued over why exactly there is a giant roll of toilet paper by the sinks: does it save trees, did they just not feel like installing dispensers in the stalls, are we all being filmed for an episode of Candid Camera? To our “Western” brains with “Western stomachs” this design presents two big flaws: what if you forgot to grab some paper, and if you did remember, what if you didn’t take enough. 

I think we can all agree that not having enough toilet paper while in a public bathroom is a scenario best left to a movie whose main component is a slapstick sound effects budget and stars anyone from American Pie.

In the end, the answer was infront of our faces (especially went squatting). Malaysia has “wet” toilets. Each stall consists of a couple of hoses (besides.knowing they are for cleaning, I’m not entirely sure how they work) but the end result is that each stall gets hosed down after every use – which makes going to the toilet feel like you’re constantly at the public pool in the summer, and would make it impossible to keep the toilet paper dry. 

So, my solution is to constantly carry paper, mainly because I cannot remember to tear some off before I go in, but I can remember to replace the wad in my pockets on the way out. 

Note the hose and thin layer of water on the ground
Squat toilets: not ideal after climbing a mountain

A Modern Telling of the History of Singapore: Kids Edition

There once was a colonial power named Britain.

They had fish, they had chips, and they had a lot of ships. 

So, they sailed far and wide, no one could hide. 

In the East they found spice; just a slice could save their dreary life.

However, there was competition for seas; the colonial powers were such busy bees.

And so, before an agreement was reached to go Dutch with the Dutch,

A man named Raffles who maybe liked waffles,

Proposed a new shore, named Singapore 

Setting it up wasn’t much of a big chore, 

And in 1819, she joined Her Majesty’s Team.

For about 130 years, there didn’t seem to be many tears,

And then there was a World War and the Japanese took Singapore.

Occupation wasn’t much fun, for anyone. 

When the Allies defeated the Axis, the British knew it was time for take-backis.

But it was also 1945, and their Empire was about to take a dive.

In 1963 Singapore and Malaya formed Malaysia, but their union was a form of dysplasia.

In 1965, the divorce was finalized and Singapore was finally, realized. 

The economic power house

Operation #savethenail!

One of the effects of “extreme jogging” is that your toe nails could fall off, which is definitely the excuse I’ll be using if I ever get a personal trainer who believes in the activity. 

When you Google “bruised toe nail”, jogging is the second thing that comes up, right after “subungal hematoma.” Mountain climbing, despite being a sport people die from, doesn’t seem to rate on the “toe nail” issues scale.

If you haven’t already guessed, one of the effects of climbing Mt Kinabalu is that my toe nail could decide to vacate the premises. 

Generally, you should always cut your toe nails before climbing a mountain, and I did, but when you hike downhill as though you’re a baby giraffe, your nails just naturally ram into your hiking boots, making you squeal in pain like a baby pig, who knows it’s being slaughtered. 

At first, I thought I had escaped the Fate of Four Nails; I just assumed everything was bruised and that a night of “feet up” would solve it. There was another woman (hi, Donna) in our group whose nails were purple as soon as she got to the bottom of the mountain – so, if mine hadn’t turned, surely it was vampire rules: make it past dawn and you’re still part of the living. 

Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like fiction. 

Two days later, my toe still felt like an anvil had dropped on it. To relieve the pressure, I gently trimmed the nail. Yellow puss oozed out, followed by blood. But, it felt good, like everything was deflating for the better. 

And then it started to turn purple. 

And then I borrowed some solutions from Donna and we started a “dress the nails” club – as part of the pedi-cure, only one polish colour was offered – Iodine Yellow: good at killing bacteria, fungus and even herpes. 

The last update on Donna’s nails was that she was having a fun time wiggling the nail off the toe…

Meanwhile, I’m still on a mission to #savethenail, because if it died, the odds of my actual toe surviving South East Asia would diminish by a lot. 

I’m 99% sure it will be successful – seeing how the nail no longer hurts in shoes, seeing how it has crossed into a different country (moving location solves problems, right?), and seeing as how my brain has stopped worrying about it enough to have returned to regular service and enabled me to stub it three times, it must be okay. 

Also, factually – seeing as how it is way less purple, and the purple bit is only concentrated in one area, it must be okay. 

#savethenail

Alright, I know, the toes are not looking very attractive, but you try constantly being on the move for six months (little toe injured from snorkeling flippers)

Evolution: The Apple Product Release Strategy

Primates are “members of the most developed and intelligent group of mammals, including humans, monkeys and apes” – sorry dolphins, but apparently that’s what the the Cambridge Advanced Lerner’s Dictionary says.

Of course, not all primates were created equal, if they were then I’m pretty sure based on pure size, humans would not be a position to greenlight more Planet of the Apes movies. 

When you start to look at the differences between us highly intelligent mammals every “upgrade” starts to seem a little like an Apple “new version” release – an upgrade that simultaneously adds something new and also takes away something useful (looking at you, headphone jacks).

The difference between monkeys and apes? Tails. The upgrade was to remove the tail. Now, I know this probably had a practical reason, but why couldn’t we just keep the tail, get bigger and learn how to exist on the ground? If humans had tails we could swing from buildings and live in trees, alleviating some of our traffic problems, and making it much easier to pass highschool P.E. 

The difference between apes and humans? Walking on two legs and better hand function (and a language that we can understand). No one is going to argue with better hand function – we learned how to make tools, it’s like Apple coming out it camera upgrades, very useful for taking better selfies – which is progressing the human race. But, did we really have to sacrifice being able to walk on all fours? Like, why can’t we walk upright and on four legs. We could be our own pack animals, and giving kids rides around the house would be so much easier. 

It feels like Evolution is messing with us, saying “I could make the world’s most perfect animal, and while I could do it all at once, I’m going to do it in fifty steps – and no, you’re not getting a USB port until the end.”

I want to walk like you, talk like you…