Conversation Topics of Half Matured People

Five “adults,” one toddler, at least 15 bottles of wine and seven penguins are sharing a house for a week. (Slight amendment, there is also a dead snake and possibly some live ones, along with a visiting Mongoose)

Current reccuring topics of conversation:

– to have children or not to have children

– different types of snot that children produce and the creative ways they deal with them (ie: what comes out the nose goes in the mouth)

– ethical vineyards, why are they not marketing fair labor practices?

– Donald Trump possibly being banned from meeting the Queen, and possible reactionary tweets 

– Tinder etc profile dating guidelines. This one is me explaining the basics to the four married adults: saying yes to a “stand-up comedian” means you’re probably getting a man-child, if someone messages you something and you’re not sure what it is, don’t google it, your phone doesn’t need those cookies and your imagination works just fine. 

– googling the things mentioned above that we shouldn’t google. Realizing we’ve turned into our grandparents and are actually very old fashioned (doesn’t stop us from coming up with branding ideas for such things)

– how to make the penguins happy, sad, mad. If we play the “I Like to Move It, Move It” song, will they join us for a dance? No. 

Let me think about it, no

– Alternating between singing Paul Simon’s Graceland and that “Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong” song 
– how much wine is left and where can we bring it with us

Editor’s Note: this was not supposed to be the post today, I was planning on doing something on the penguins, but they would not corporate. 

When You Are a Worry Wart Who Starts Acting Like a Hypochondriac

So I bruised my ribs. No big deal, Google said to take Ibuprofuen and ice them for 72 hrs. That was not a problem on Friday.

That was not a problem on Saturday morning; I woke up feeling at least 30% better, right on schedule. I made pancakes, with bananas. And then I sneezed. 

One of those super violent sneezes, one where you know it’s coming and you can’t duck and cover, you just wait helplessly for the 30 secs in slow motion to pass as your body heaves. And in that moment, all the healing was undone.

The pain was horrible. I hobbled to the couch, abondoned cleaning the dishes, was brought pills and the frozen butter (I have since switched to a frozen water bottle). I slept on that couch for 2 hrs, till I told myself off for being lazy and made it through the rest of the day. 

But, I started to wonder – had I broken anything? Google said if I could successfully take deep breaths, I was fine…Okay, no problem. 

Then came dinner: sort of pasta bake made with cheese, eggs and frozen veggies. Minutes later I had that “I might throw up” feeling, I swallowed. I went cold. I went hot. I excused myself from learning about the problems with thr South African rugby team, grabbed my frozen water bottle and a cup of hot water and retreated to my room. 

I took my temperature. 97F. Google said not to worry until 95F. Okay. I was cold, my arms were cold. Had I somehow cut off blood circulation? Would I be blue in the morning? I did have a frozen water bottle pressed against my chest, which might explain the chill. Okay, remove water bottle. 

I warmed up, the clamminess in my fingers went down, but my right arm feels puffy…Did I get bit by a spider? I don’t feel itchy and I can’t see anything, is it just extra muscle build up (yay)?..Everything feels heavy, but it feels lighter than ten minutes ago. 

The bruised ribs have sand-balled (ha) in my mind into broken ribs, torn arteries, deadly spider bites, possible amputations…

I’m typing this in bed, but I’m not going to publish it until I make it through to the morning.

I woke up! I’m alive! It’s dark outside, check watch, 1am – oof. Ribs feel good, arm still feels warm and is definitely a bit swollen, must be having an allergic reaction – take pills. 

Go back to bed.

Wake up, 6am! Light outside – I made it! Arm swelling has gone down enough to pinpoint warm point where there is probably a bite, it is towards my back and I can’t see it, but highly doubtful it is some flesh easting disease. 

On reflection – excellent that I brought a first aid kit the size of a day pack. And that you can google medical issues and not choose the WebMD suggestion.