Category: travel tips

The Museum of Failure: A Must Do For The Unemployed

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Inevitably, in a time of unemployment, there is a period one goes through that feels like a bit like that Chumbawamba song, “Tubthumping” aka, “I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again”.

This period of time has many phases – you can feel like you’re the star of a Western and are getting shot at (but getting back up) for protecting the town you love from evil men wearing black, other times it feels like you’re taking a gym class full of nothing but squats and pretty soon your quads are going to turn into wobbly logs, and then other times (the bad times) it can feel like you’re in highschool and you’re catching something called “Mono” which basically means you’re bound to the bed and will have to catch up on homework later.

If you are on this rollercoaster, one of the best things you can do is get off, unharness yourself and head to the Museum of Failure: a place of kindred spirits, a place of people and things who tried and maybe didn’t succeed, but I’m sure had to get back up.

Some examples include:

  • A Kellogg’s cereal made with Orange Juice (I can imagine the idea was, “no one has time for breakfast, everyone is turning to breakfast sandwiches – how do we make cereal as necessary as a breakfast sandwich?”)
  • Colgate’s attempt at making frozen food (“You know what would be really great, if we made food that would make it easy for people to brush their teeth, why don’t we try some lasagna”)
  • Blockbuster Video (RIP summer days at the video store)
  • The Mini Disc, The Laser Disc
  • A list of Donald Trump’s failed businesses
  • Bic for Her, pink pens for the lady in your life

Located in Sweden and Los Angeles, the Museum is sure to bring a smile to your face, and make you realize that if some of these terrible ideas can succeed, for even a bit – so can you.

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Getting a Haircut in Malaysia 

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Most hair salons in Malaysia are conveniently located in the air conditioned malls. Most of them are not busy, you just walk in.

For what is about to happen, not only would you pay through the nose in the US, but the line would also be a week long. 

First, for about thirty minutes your hair gets a bubble bath where the bubbles get whipped into meringues, your head gets kneaded like it was the winning dough in The Great British Bake Off, and your scalp gets scratched as though you were a cat’s favorite post. 

Then, your shoulders get a little massage. 

And then, after you’ve been lulled into a state of relaxation where you couldn’t care if you were there for a haircut or a lobotomy – the procedure begins. 

Best use of $15. 

Thai Massage: For People that Always Thought They Were Meant for Cirque de Soleil

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“Can I please have the “Back, Shoulders and Neck” massage?

Now, in the US, at a similar establishment, I would be led to a chair, one where you sit facing forwards, head down, back slabbed-out towards its intended opponent. 

 Here, I was led to a bed. 

Then, a man stood on me, then sat on me, then curled me up as though your back is supposed to curl into a semiscircle – as though he were attempting to turn my previously semi-straight back into a croissant – and not a good one, one that you’d find at Dunkin Donuts. 

Getting a Thai massage is like getting a lesson in being a contortionist, and instead of getting a “congrats, you are semi-flexible” sticker when you leave, you just get some filtered water to rehydrated your kneaded out, but entirely inflexible body. 

Other moves included the “squish your shoulder blades down until your head is buried in a pillow and you can’t breath.” Thoughts at this point included: “Did I put on enough deoderant to not be super embarrassing when the coroner comes to inspect my body and deems it too unfit to have gone through such rigorous exercise?”

In the end, I don’t know if my back is stretched out, so much as it needs to stretch itself over to a chiropractor. 

Thai Massages: for people that want to relax on the cheap, but can’t really afford a bottle of wine (here) and then end up getting the wine anyway, to try and loosen everything back up. 

When cheese craving and massage recovery meet

Tips For Surviving the Apocalypse from People Who Live in Rainforest

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These tips come from the Batek tribe that lives in the Taman Negara forest, Malaysia. A tribe of about 2000 people, spread out in villages throughout the forest, they stay away from as much of modern life as possible and live off the land. 

(Tips could also be used as plot points in The Walking Dead) 

  • If you need to start a fire and don’t have any dry kindling, use your hair* (cut it off your head first, you’re not making a torch)
  • Hunting using poisoned tip dart is very effective, aim for the legs so the poison can’t spread far, but if the meat turns blue, you probably shouldn’t eat it.
  • Move around a lot, if you’re nomadic the zombies are less likely to find you, and you won’t deplete your food source 
  • Weddings are unnecessary for procreation, you can declare a marriage after spending the night together, you don’t need to choose a colour scheme or table settings first. Also, don’t marry someone from the same village, eventually the genes catch up to you.
  • Have a lot of babies, not very useful when young, but the more people to fight the aliens, the better 

    *Does not work if you are Bruce Willis 

    Live by a river source: water and escape route
    Blow darting in action
    Making fire – with dry stuff, no hair was harmed

    Travel Tips: Toilet Time in Malaysia

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    In Malaysia you always need to remember to carry two things:

    1. Drinking Water

    2. Toilet paper: for use when the water runs out

    Now, regarding #2, you might think “why?” or, if you’re used to travelling in this part of the world, you might think “duh, that’s so obvs” – however the point that needs to be made is not that Malaysia doesn’t have toilet paper (they have plenty of it), but rather, that the toilet paper is stored on the outside of the stall. 

    Much debate has ensued over why exactly there is a giant roll of toilet paper by the sinks: does it save trees, did they just not feel like installing dispensers in the stalls, are we all being filmed for an episode of Candid Camera? To our “Western” brains with “Western stomachs” this design presents two big flaws: what if you forgot to grab some paper, and if you did remember, what if you didn’t take enough. 

    I think we can all agree that not having enough toilet paper while in a public bathroom is a scenario best left to a movie whose main component is a slapstick sound effects budget and stars anyone from American Pie.

    In the end, the answer was infront of our faces (especially went squatting). Malaysia has “wet” toilets. Each stall consists of a couple of hoses (besides.knowing they are for cleaning, I’m not entirely sure how they work) but the end result is that each stall gets hosed down after every use – which makes going to the toilet feel like you’re constantly at the public pool in the summer, and would make it impossible to keep the toilet paper dry. 

    So, my solution is to constantly carry paper, mainly because I cannot remember to tear some off before I go in, but I can remember to replace the wad in my pockets on the way out. 

    Note the hose and thin layer of water on the ground
    Squat toilets: not ideal after climbing a mountain