Category: thailand

Thai Massage: For People that Always Thought They Were Meant for Cirque de Soleil

“Can I please have the “Back, Shoulders and Neck” massage?

Now, in the US, at a similar establishment, I would be led to a chair, one where you sit facing forwards, head down, back slabbed-out towards its intended opponent. 

 Here, I was led to a bed. 

Then, a man stood on me, then sat on me, then curled me up as though your back is supposed to curl into a semiscircle – as though he were attempting to turn my previously semi-straight back into a croissant – and not a good one, one that you’d find at Dunkin Donuts. 

Getting a Thai massage is like getting a lesson in being a contortionist, and instead of getting a “congrats, you are semi-flexible” sticker when you leave, you just get some filtered water to rehydrated your kneaded out, but entirely inflexible body. 

Other moves included the “squish your shoulder blades down until your head is buried in a pillow and you can’t breath.” Thoughts at this point included: “Did I put on enough deoderant to not be super embarrassing when the coroner comes to inspect my body and deems it too unfit to have gone through such rigorous exercise?”

In the end, I don’t know if my back is stretched out, so much as it needs to stretch itself over to a chiropractor. 

Thai Massages: for people that want to relax on the cheap, but can’t really afford a bottle of wine (here) and then end up getting the wine anyway, to try and loosen everything back up. 

When cheese craving and massage recovery meet

Conversations with Drunk Teenagers at Bar Night

Bar Night (definition): once a week, dehydrated and exhausted, but usually freshly showered wildlife volunteers descend like an avalanche upon a bar in Hua Hin, Thailand (an hour away in a taxi ride that I am sure causes many a taxi driver to question their career decision). From 7:30-10:30p, they take in as many “2 for 1” cocktail specials as possible. 

Prominent activities include: talking about how drunk they are, how much they are in-love with everyone here, taking Snapchat photos, dancing and, much to the staff’s chagrin – hanging like a monkey from the plastic exposed beams and/or curtain rods. 

Being one who values a full stomach, I arrived after dinner. I walked in and beheld a scene that made me feel like Jane Goodall watching chimps. It was awkward, mostly unsuccessful debauchery – the likes that belonged not to Roman Toga Party, but to a Roman Thursday Night. I could only sip my two “two for one” mojitos, and sit in the back, my already greying hair turning more silver the more I thought about being the Jane Goodall of “younger people habits.”

Minutes later a 19 year old man saddled up to me and offered his sage advice:

“You should take it slow, I know a thing or two about drinking”

“Don’t worry, I will, I have been drinking for a while”

“Yes, but I’ve been drinking longer than you (winks at me) – I’ve been drinking since I was 12″

I’m 36.”

Math. Shock, horror, pause. Laughter (on my end). 

Apparently those Jane Goodall silvers had retreated enough to blend in with my subjects. 

Part 1:  “Hand, Foot and Mouth” Disease, the Outbreak that Would Not Get Made into a Dustin Hoffman Film and Part 2: Princesses Wear Gloves 

Part One:

Last week a volunteer came down with blisters. Giant, ugly, worm shaped ones that slithered around her finger tips. She insisted that she could keep working, she only had a couple of days to go, and really everyone was being so nice and constantly asking her about her hands. 

In reality, we weren’t being nice. We were terrified. We googled images of “Monkeys, Herpes B” – a horrible, mostly deadly virus that destroys your brain and spinal cord, as well as “Herpes, blisters” – you know what comes up with that, and the more probable, “Hand, Foot and Mouth, blisters.”

Shocked, afraid, and aware that there was no hero, no sexy story – if we all got infected, because Foot and Mouth is highly contagious, we’d all be a foot note. There wouldn’t be a movie, there might be a potential Darwin award for “yesterday, while trying to do “good,” a hundred volunteers distributed a virus aboard planes bound for thirty countries.” 

At one point, Emily and I crossed paths (a fate I had been hoping to avoid, I dreaded touching anything she had contaminated (if there were a movie, I’d be “Volunteer 58”)), and she said, “you look tired.” I just nodded back, but in my head I thought, “yeah I’m exhausted thinking about you giving us a virus that is a pain in the ass to stop”

Part Two: 

Turns out, it is probably not a virus. 

The blisters might just be the effect of a concept known as “hard work” – which is something we didn’t Google. 

My finger tips are currently so raw that the “unlock quickly using the only secure feature that identifies you” does not work on my phone, in fact the only thing that will cool them down and stop the burning sensation is holding an icy cocktail. 

Now, despite the 100 degree heat, I’m going to wear my gloves. Cause no matter how small I have to chop up cucumber for the baby tortoises, at one point, this princess is hopefully going to go to a ball and does not want to have to explain that I lost feeling in my hands by chopping fruit and sweeping up after animals (I’m not Cinderella, I can’t pull that look off)

Update: turns out chopping vegetables with work gloves is a impossible, you look like a baby who is just learning about butter knives. 

The Similarities between a Lady Boy Show and a Muay Thai Match

When you think about it, Lady Boy shows and Muay Thai have a lot in common, and not just “location, location, location!”

  • Both art forms are only done by the young, skinny, flexible, in-shape sort
  • Lady Boys have heels on their feet, Boxers get heels in their face 
  • Boxers dance along to snake charming music, Lady Boys dance using other kinds of charms
  • Both appeal to men who drink a lot of beer 

I’ve Been in Thailand for 28 hrs and These are the Things I’ve Already Over Paid For

I’ve been in Thailand for 28 hrs and these are the things I’ve already over paid for:

  • Taxi ride from the airport: when the driver says “highway? No traffic! You pay tolls!” And then refuses to say anything else because “sorry, English bad” you know you’re stuck (but, not in traffic).
  • Spring Rolls: when you’re hungry and you agree to buy spring rolls at what you think is an exorbitant price, but what do you know – you just got out of an expensive taxi cab – and then about two blocks down the same tourist congested, alcohol induced road you find springs rolls for a third of the price.
  • Scorpions: when you negotiated because you just realized you over paid for spring rolls, but probably didn’t negotiate enough because the vendor agreed to the price with the same eagerness as a bunch of kids who just heard, “who wants ice cream?”
  • Dessert “tacos”: cause who wants to learn from yesterday’s lesson and not agree to pay the first price. 

I am SO out of practice. 

But, at least I learned one thing: fried scorpions are pretty tasty, they just taste like “crunch”