Category: #humor

Why Aren’t You Posting?

This week, a friend had a 4th of July party, and as she was introducing me around, she told people all about my year off and my “hilarious” blog.

She asked why I hadn’t been posting and kept reiterating that I was a good writer.

Well, the compliment kicked me into gear, – the reason I haven’t been writing is because unemployment has become a bit of a purgatory that I seem to have banished myself to. I’ve spent the last couple of months trying to unlock the gates and escape the cave, but nothing has worked – yet.

Oh, and I’ve been spending a lot of time on the bus.

And nothing makes you feel more like you are stuck in purgatory than taking the bus, in Los Angeles.

So, as a reintroduction to anything funny that has been happening in my life – I’d like to offer up this week’s bus story:

I’ve been volunteering at a horse sanctuary, mucking out stalls, playing with horses, getting reacquainted with my allergies, and developing muscles. It’s been glorious – but, to get there takes about 2.5 hrs on the bus. To get back takes over 3.

There is a special kind of horrible mood that I develop when I smell like manure, am physically incapable of walking or standing, am being prodded by tiny bits of pokey hay, am super hungry and seem to miss every one of three, sometimes four bus connections.

This week was particularly bad – the first bus just didn’t show up – after twenty minutes, I asked Google to find another way home. One bus later, I found myself at a stop in the middle of nowhere, waiting alone, with a man who had gotten kicked off the last bus. I patiently listened to his story of asshole bus drivers and quietly hoped someone else would show up. No one did.

The next bus took me to another stop where I met a lovely woman who was having trouble walking because she had just had open heart surgery. She wanted to talk. I wanted to crawl into a hole and drink a cup of tea.

The penultimate bus involved a man who decided that the bus was his pulpit, and the passengers, his congregation. He gave us a speech on his life and said that if Barbara Streissand could get $150M for her autobiography, he could surely get $100M for his.

And now we come to our last bus, where, whilst waiting at the stop, I returned my sister’s call – a call she said that would cheer me up with the fact that she had a story to make me feel better about my life.

It sounds evil, but sometimes those stories are really, really needed. So, hopefully this story can help someone else.

#keepingthechinup

Overheard in LA: Two Men and a Lyft

A lot of people come to LA for people watching, but people are more than their looks, so I would like to offer “conversation listening” as a new reason to visit the city.

Lunchtime:

Whilst eating a fried chicken sandwich in a shop that sells fried chicken sandwiches and donuts in the shape of narwhals:

“You know, it is very LA, the relationship, she is very pretty, but doesn’t give me anything else” *

*Said by man who is, mysteriously, still in a relationship

Evening:

Whilst in a bar, deciding whether to order a drink:

“Dating is hard in LA, it’s hardest for straight men – because women here, they don’t want to be in a relationship – they feel like they are giving up something”

“What do you think they think they are giving up?” (The guy was talking to me)

“Their careers, their cars…(I forget this bit)…but really men are meant to be Gods, we are meant to build castles for Goddesses, and then fill those castles.”*

*Said by man who is a self-proclaimed “really good boyfriend”

Late Night:

Whilst trying to find my Lyft driver,

“I’m across from the Denny’s”*

*LA: a city that comes with new points of references

The Museum of Failure: A Must Do For The Unemployed

Inevitably, in a time of unemployment, there is a period one goes through that feels like a bit like that Chumbawamba song, “Tubthumping” aka, “I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again”.

This period of time has many phases – you can feel like you’re the star of a Western and are getting shot at (but getting back up) for protecting the town you love from evil men wearing black, other times it feels like you’re taking a gym class full of nothing but squats and pretty soon your quads are going to turn into wobbly logs, and then other times (the bad times) it can feel like you’re in highschool and you’re catching something called “Mono” which basically means you’re bound to the bed and will have to catch up on homework later.

If you are on this rollercoaster, one of the best things you can do is get off, unharness yourself and head to the Museum of Failure: a place of kindred spirits, a place of people and things who tried and maybe didn’t succeed, but I’m sure had to get back up.

Some examples include:

  • A Kellogg’s cereal made with Orange Juice (I can imagine the idea was, “no one has time for breakfast, everyone is turning to breakfast sandwiches – how do we make cereal as necessary as a breakfast sandwich?”)
  • Colgate’s attempt at making frozen food (“You know what would be really great, if we made food that would make it easy for people to brush their teeth, why don’t we try some lasagna”)
  • Blockbuster Video (RIP summer days at the video store)
  • The Mini Disc, The Laser Disc
  • A list of Donald Trump’s failed businesses
  • Bic for Her, pink pens for the lady in your life

Located in Sweden and Los Angeles, the Museum is sure to bring a smile to your face, and make you realize that if some of these terrible ideas can succeed, for even a bit – so can you.

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