7p: wine tasting starts, we’re given a glass of “first fruit” which does not mean, “please cleanse your palate with some juice first”. Instead it means, enjoy this fruity wine before you enjoy 8 other wines and forget how to get home.

7:15p please continue to enjoy this wine with a small platter of cheese that can be shared amongst ten of you. If you get a piece of cheddar consider yourself satisfied and full until dinner at 9p

7:30p explaination of the history of champagne and something called “lees” which is pronounced like “lice” and is apparently dead yeast. Bubble stuff is poured.

7:35p Sauvignon Blanc time

7:40p time to compare two other white wines. Run out of glasses, start using old champagne glasses and lining everything up to look like a wine cargo train.

7:45p time for some Merlots

“A man is like a red wine, you have to stomp on them and keep them in the basement until they turn into something you like” – everyone applauded when our wine presenter gives this factoid

8p realize that dinner still hasn’t been served and all you have to drink today is four cups of tea, and about eight glasses of wine

HOW CAN YOU HAVE A WINE TASTING WITH 8 GLASSES AND ONLY TWO PIECES OF CHEESE? WHERE IS FOOD???