If I were a cow, I’d be Wagu Beef by now. Not-quite-so gently massaged into alignment, my back has never felt better.
Better than a tempurpedic, better than a Swedish massage given by an actual Swedish person, better that whatever that other expensive massage is that involves hot stones – is The African Massage.
You may be wondering, how come I have never heard of such a treatment? How can I get one right now?
Only one thing has prevented this cure-all from travelling across continents and oceans: good roads. Good roads lead to efficiency of transport, movement of goods and people, freedom of careers – and ultimately, stress.
Bad roads, lead to African Massages.
The African Massage is a simple procedure that can last anywhere from one minute to whenever you run out of gas.
All you have to do is get in a not-so-stable vehicle – older Landdrovers are great for this, not wear a seatbelt, turn on the ignition and find yourself a bumpy road that prevents you from going over 25mph. The bumps will throw you sideways, forwards, backwards, lull you to sleep and ultimately leave you feeling like you might be able to do backflips and if you weren’t over 16, maybe join the Chinese gymnastic Olympic team.
Here we have at least three types of roads that work wonderfully for this, but these are merely suggestions:
1. Gravel road- this is a substitute for that “hand chopping” part of your table massage
2. the game reserve road (picture lopsided mini rolling hills) – execllent for all around kinks. see video example below
3. Roads made out of giant rocks, to really dig into those hard to reach areas (also handy if you need some house-building slabs for that piece of land you just bought in case you aren’t allowed back into your home country)
In case anyone was wondering, this is an African Shower: being hit with a whole lot of dust from an oncoming vehicle.